


Scheme a little scheme

by Moltenpurple



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Drinking Games, Getting Together, M/M, Match-making, Scheming, The BAU ladies are sneaky, drunk reid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-09-21 20:10:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9564452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moltenpurple/pseuds/Moltenpurple
Summary: The ladies at the BAU decide a little diversion is needed.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty sure I've seen multiple variations on this theme before but I really wanted to explore it myself.  
> I hate writing dialogue so apologies if it feels a bit clunky in places. As always comments and suggestions are welcome.  
> This might be extended at some point... We'll see.

The ladies of the BAU were fucking bored. There was no other word for it really, the nation's serial killers were all taking some sort of pre-arranged psycho-holiday and whilst objectively they knew it could only be a good thing, they were sick of being stuck in the bullpen with mountains of paperwork. They had congregated in Garcia's lair for a long lunch, JJ perched on the edge of a desk and Prentis seated comfortably on the floor, surrounded by take away cartons.

"What we need, ladies, is a diversion." Garcia declared, "Something to engage our beautiful brains. Some scheming and plotting perhaps."

Emily clapped her hands together in delight, "Ooo yes! We haven't had a good plot in a while. Anything in particular you had in mind, Penny?"

JJ gave a wicked grin, "What about some match-making? We haven't done that in a while... And I know just the couple..."

The three women smiled and leaned in, already working on the beginnings of a plan, boredom forgotten.

\-------------------------------------------

Garcia's party was all planned, her flat was decorated (very tastefully, thankyouverymuch) and plenty of booze was lined up in the kitchen. There was very little in the way of food, they didn't want anyone lining their stomach too much, but there was a bowl of punch on the side. Her guests would be arriving shortly so she checked her bubble-gum-pink lipstick in the mirror and smoothed her skirt before opening the door with a gracious smile to admit JJ and Prentis who were clutching bottles of rum and vodka and giggling conspiratorially.

"Hush now, my lovelies! You know our baby genius is like a frightened rabbit and you two," she scolded, "are going to scare him off." They looked a little abashed and went to put their bottles in the kitchen as the doorbell rang. Outside were Hotch, still dressed in a stiff suit and tie, and Rossi, wearing a more relaxed outfit with his top button undone and a bottle of expensive red wine outstretched. She cooed greetings and kissed them both on the cheek, making Hotch uncomfortable was something she never passed up.

The bell went again and she opened it with a squeal, "Chocolate Adonis and Junior G Man! Perfect!" she cried, pulling them both into a tight hug.

"Hey, baby girl." Morgan purred, "You're looking delicious, as ever." His eyes were taking in the interior of the flat, noting the lack of food and giving her a suspicious look. Grinning like a cat with a bowl full of cream she grabbed her boys by the wrists and dragged them inside. It was time for Phase 1.

_"Phase 1," Emily counted on her finger, "will have to be getting them drunk. There's no way we'll get anywhere with them both sober."_

The drinks were flowing and Garcia was being the model hostess, flitting around the room and ensuring that no glass was ever empty for too long. JJ and Morgan were on the sofa, arguing passionately about football and occasionally calling on Hotch for a verdict when they couldn't agree. The rest of the time he was talking to Emily, discussing the different diplomatic postings her mum had been sent on when she was a kid. Rossi was semi-pinned into a corner by the lovely Dr Spencer Reid who was waving his arms animatedly as he rattled of statistics about something or other.

Everyone had a slight flush in their faces and their eyes were just a little too bright, they're speech just a little too loud. The atmosphere was convivial and a lot of the punch had been consumed already. Garcia made her way into the kitchen and began gathering supplies for Phase 2.

_"Phase 2 will have to be getting Spence to open up." JJ said bluntly. "We need him to talk about sex because at the moment nobody sees him that way."_

The team were all sat around Garcia's coffee table which was covered with shot glasses and bottles of spirits. 

"Never have I ever..." Prentis began, "... stolen something." A groan sounded from somewhere and Morgan, Garcia, JJ and Rossi lifted their glasses to their lips, draining them in one and slamming them down on the table. Once all were topped up again their eyes turned to Hotch, seated to Emily's left.

"Never have I ever... Kissed a member of the same gender," he said with his usual controlled tone. This time only Morgan and Garcia moved, surprising a few of the other attendees. A clamour went up from the ladies to know who Morgan had kissed but he smiled maddeningly and said something about a gentleman never kissing and telling. The resulting complaints took a minute to die down and then JJ's voice cut through the hubbub.

"Spence, why are you refilling your glass?" The skinny genius turned a deep crimson and refused to meet any of their eyes.

"Because I drank it, isn't that how this game is played?" Stunned silence followed and then Rossi coughed.

"Ahem... So. Never have I ever slept with someone who was married." He said, kindly trying to spare Reid from their interrogation. Nobody batted an eyelid when he raised his own glass but Hotch matching him raised a few eyebrows until he pointed out that Hayley WAS married, to him. Attention had shifted away from Reid again and he sank gratefully into his seat, avoiding their gaze.

Morgan gave a coy smile, "Never have I ever fantasised about a co-worker," he said in a low, husky voice. He gave Garcia a flirty glance and they both lifted their glasses, clinked them and drank. Rossi and Prentis drank too and then everyone's eyes were on Reid as he slowly lifted the little glass and swallowed the vodka inside.

"Well shit, pretty boy. I never knew you had it in you. C'mon, you have to tell us now!" Morgan looked impressed. The blush was back on Reid's delicate features, spreading down his neck and under the open collar of his shirt. Garcia noted with interest that her gorgeous hunk was following its progress with his eyes and that his lips were slightly parted.

"Oh no you don't, Derek Morgan. Those aren't the rules!" JJ stepped it. "Spence, it's your turn."

The lanky profiler swallowed audibly, "Never have I ever had intercourse with someone of the same gender." He raised his eyes defiantly to Morgan's, lifting his glass as he did so. Morgan was gawking as he watched Reid's Adam's apple bob with the swallow of neat spirits. Cold as snow, he drank his rum and slammed the glass down, eyes never leaving Spencer's.

Garcia smiled inwardly, it was time for Phase three.

_"Phase three is the most important. That's the part which will make or break the whole operation. We'll have to give our two babies a push in the right direction otherwise they'll miss each other like beautiful ships in the night," Garcia sighed, "we need to get them somewhere they can... Y'know."_

"Right! Time for bed, lovelies." Garcia was waving her manicured hands, shooing then towards the door. Taxis had been called and were waiting outside. One for Hotch and Rossi, one for Emily and JJ and a third which Garcia hasn't mentioned she was calling. "Sorry, chocolate thunder. I haven't got room for both of you to stay and boy wonder is waaay too wasted to send off alone. You're gonna have to be his knight in shining armour."

Morgan pouted at her. "Baby girl! I'm beat, please just leave him on the sofa and let me go to bed." His technical goddess was immovable though and with a resigned groan he hefted the slender body of the doctor, currently babbling about formulae for determining blood alcohol and giggling a bit, and slung one long arm over his shoulders. Reid mumbled something sleepily and snuggled into Morgan's chest as the big man half carried him to the taxi, Garcia standing in the doorway waving cheekily and mentally congratulating herself on a scheme well executed.


End file.
